The Social Relationship: Keeping Your Distance

An Orthodox rabbi explains to his audience that he cannot let his children play with theirs. The audience, composed of “noachides” committed to observing the Seven Laws of Noah, could hardly have been friendlier to Torah Judaism. They love Jews and Judaism. They hang on the every word of an Orthodox rabbi. And when they hear that he cannot let his children play with theirs, they are crushed.

The rabbi was not being mean-spirited. He was just getting to the heart of the required social relationship between Jews and non-Jews. While it is a good thing for you to cultivate certain relationship with Jews – business and learning, for example – you need to keep your distance socially.

Some basic mitzvot, notably kashrut laws, at least in part have to do with ensuring that Jews maintain a social distance from their neighbors. The reason has to do with the threat of intermarriage. If Jews keep kosher – eating only certain foods prepared in certain ways in certain kitchens – their ability to socialize with their non-Jewish neighbors is limited. The likelihood of their sons and daughters marrying outside their faith will be that much more reduced. As a non-Jew oriented to supporting the Jewish community, you need to understand this principle and act on it. While maintaining your social distance is counter-intuitive – as a person who loves Jews and Judaism, you’re inclination will be to cultivate closer social relationships with Jews – nothing you do is more important. And nothing you do will earn you more respect from the observant Jewish community.

This principle applies equally to married and non-married Jews, but the practical effect is different. If you are young and single, you pose an obvious problem to the Jewish community, and you need to be more careful in your behavior. You will get some help from observant Jews. Both the men and the women may be more reserved around you than they would be if you were married, especially happily so. They are unlikely to be rude – just a little more distance from you than from your married cousin. If you understand the issue – intermarriage – and its importance, their behavior falls into place. This has to do with your status, not your personality. Understand it. Honor it. Don’t push it.

If you are married, you may find the social climate a bit more welcoming. You still need to maintain some reserve – especially around Jews of the opposite sex. And hospitality remains one-sided. They can invite you to their place for dinner. And you can’t reciprocate. Relax and enjoy it.

Here are a few social "Do’s":

	Do attend a bar/bat mitzvah, a wedding, a Shabbat meal when invited. go. These are considered religious rather than social occasions.
	Do be cordial and polite. To maintain your reserve, it helps to be a bit formal. Since the Jewish community is rather mannerly anyway, you are not going to feel out of place.
	Do send Jewish friends holiday cards for Rosh HaShanah, Hanukkah, and Pesakh if you wish. Yes, you are cultivating your social relationship by doing so, but you are primarily encouraging your friends in the practice of their Jewish traditions and mitzvot. And that’s a good thing.
	Do contribute to organizations that bring Jewish men and women together. This is an especially appropriate form of tzedekah (charity) for unmarried non-Jews.
	Do introduce Jewish friends to each other.

And a few social "Don’ts":

	Don’t ask a Jew for a date.
	Don’t accept a date from a Jew.
	Don’t fix up a Jewish friend with a non-Jewish friend.
	Don’t invite Jews to your house or elsewhere, especially when you expect to serve refreshments. (An exception could be made if you have been working with your local Orthodox rabbi and can meet kashrut guidelines for your event.)
	If you have been invited to a Jewish family’s home for any occasion, go but don’t think you are supposed to reciprocate. You’re not.
	Don’t give Jews edible or potable gifts – unless you know that they are kosher.
	Don’t drink wine in unavoidable social situations with Jews. According to Jewish halakha, Jews are forbidden from drinking wine in social situations with non-Jews. That’s because wine is thought to loosen social inhibitions and to lead to inappropriate relationships. Kashrut laws around wine reinforce this principle. What makes a wine kosher – aside from making sure that it does not have any non-kosher ingredients – is that it is touched only by Jews at key points in the process. If fact, if you touch an open unpasteurized bottle of kosher wine, you make it non-kosher for Jews. An except to the rule against sharing wine with Jews occurs at a religious occasion – a Shabbat meal, a wedding, a bar/bat mitzvah, a brit milah (circumcision). These are not considered social occasions and you will usually be offered wine. It is okay to accept, though if a rabbi is available, you might want to check.
	Don't mislead anyone about your marital status.
	Don’t attend a wedding, especially the religious portion, between a Jew and a non-Jew.
	If you are a minister, do not perform the wedding between a non-Jew and a Jew.

The above Do’s and Don’t are designed to help bring you into the appropriate relationship with the observant Jewish community. Strictly speaking, they apply to your relationships with any Jew – observant or not. But while observant Jews will understand and be grateful for such behavior, liberal and secular Jews may think you have gone off the deep end – even as they complain about loss of Jewish identity, the high number of Jews marrying non-Jews, and so on. How to behave with them is an interesting question, something that is worth discussing in another forum. – KENNETH GUENTERT

Schueller House
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Manitou Springs, CO 80829
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URL: www.schuellerhouse.com/goysocial.htm