Seven Colors of the Rainbow

Chapter VII

The first of the Seven Laws from the Kabbalah perspective is the commandment to refrain from forbidden sexual relations. This corresponds to the Sefirah of Chessed or “Kindness.” Thus, the commandment gives us to understand that forbidden sexual contacts are in fact the perversion of kindness and love.

In the Song of Songs, the Torah describes the experience of God's love with the words: “Let His right hand embrace me” (Song of Songs 2:6). In chapter VI, we noted that the Sefirah of Kindness corresponds to the “right arm.” Thus, when we fulfill the conditions that God has set for our love to be pleasing to Him, relating through the categories that He chose when He formed and made us, then He will “embrace” us, showing the reality of His divine attribute of Kindness to us in our own lives.

This commandment for the non-Jew is derived from the famous passage spoken to Adam and Eve when they were created as a pair, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). From this one passage, we learn that there is:

• a prohibition against incest. The phrase “leave his father and mother” indicates that the child is not to interbreed with parents or their line;

• a prohibition against adultery and male homosexuality. A man is to “cleave to his wife” and not to another man's wife nor to another male;

• a prohibition against sexual relations by women or men with animals. The phrase “and they shall be one flesh” implies that the aim of sexual relations is to produce children of our own species in whom the man and woman become “one flesh."

The many other passages in the Torah dealing with sexual prohibitions, including “you shall not commit adultery” from the Ten Commandments, establish the rules which govern the Jews. Non-Jewish relations are conducted on an entirely different basis, and this is in itself one of the reasons why Jews and non-Jews are forbidden to each other. For sexual purposes all non-Jews have exactly the same status, and they may marry anyone they choose, whatever their race or social origin or nationality. When we look more closely at the rules for non-Jews, we may see how well the Torah appreciates their needs, how deep is its understanding of their situation.

The relationships forbidden to non-Jews are much fewer than for the Jewish people. For example, Jews may not have sexual relations with the progeny of either their mother or their father. For non-Jews, the prohibition against incest applies only to the progeny of the mother-even though non-Jews derive their family name from their fathers and inherit their father's property according to Torah law. Thus a non-Jewish man and woman with different mothers and the same father are not brother and sister, and they may marry each other just like any other partners.

A non-Jew is forbidden his own mother, his daughter because of her similar status to his mother, and the sisters of his father and mother. He is also barred from relations with his father's wife (not his mother), his brother's wife, his wife's sister (all these sibling relationships through the mother only), and his daughter-in-law and stepdaughter. The early authorities dispute over whether these prohibitions still apply after the father or brother has died. In addition to the regular ban on intercourse with a male, there is a special prohibition against relations with a father or brother.

Non-Jews are not commanded by the Torah to marry, so the prohibition against sexual misconduct does not make them liable for extra-marital relations within the permitted degrees. However, they are encouraged to marry, to be faithful to their chosen partner, and to have children. This encouragement to marry is an example of morality and kindness in human relations that goes beyond the actual provisions of the law-namely, that it is hurtful and unjust to have sexual relations without the protection of marriage and without constructing a suitable home environment in which children can be raised. For reasons of this kind, a decree was made by Shem, the son of Noah, together with his court, that forbade extra-marital relations from that time onward.

A Jew who is born of an incestuous or adulterous relationship is debarred from marrying into the rest of the Jewish community, but there is no similar concept of personal illegitimacy contained in the Seven Laws.

Jews have a commandment to marry and to produce children. While non-Jews have no such positive commandment, neither is any benefit attached to celibacy for religious purposes or any others. It is not pleasing to God for people to be deprived of this most vital form of personal kindness because His wishes are very much bound up with human fulfillment through physical love. The sexual drive in itself has no evil nature at all, no “original sin.” Celibacy brings both men and women to great loss and suffering, exposing them to curiosity and ridicule and tempting them to irregularity in consequence. The rabbis say, “Do not talk to God and think of a woman; talk to a woman and think of God.”

Marriage for non-Jews is performed by publicly acknowledging each other as spouses and then having sexual intercourse with the intent to consummate marriage. The couple are not married until both of these actions have been taken, and thus a man who is not capable of physical intercourse cannot reach the married state. There is even doubt as to whether a husband continues to be married if he loses the ability altogether. The wife assumes the family name of the husband according to universal custom, but even if this is not done the couple may be considered as married if they only live together openly with their names attached to the same residence. Most rabbinic opinions require written registration of marriage for the non-Jews as a way to validate the married status and to prevent adultery or incest occurring through misinformation. There is no need for any religious ceremony or sacrament, and the procedure known as “civil” or “registry office” marriage is quite sufficient. However, couples who are aware of the Seven Laws often accompany their marriages with ceremony suitable to the concepts.

The entry of the head of the male organ (glans) into the vagina is enough to constitute illicit relations. Anal penetration does not incur the penalty for adultery, but it does so for incest, for homosexual relations, and for bestiality. There is an opinion which states that marriage is consummated only by complete penetration of the male organ in the normal way, but this is not a ruling decision.

Divorce is the subject of rabbinic dispute because the Torah passage permitting divorce to the Jews (“and he shall write her a document of severance” [Deut 24:1]) can be interpreted in more than one way when applied to non-Jewish practice. One opinion maintains that because no divorce document is prescribed for the non-Jews, no divorce is ever possible. A second opinion holds that non-Jewish divorce is effected by verbal or other signs alone, on the initiative of either partner, with no document necessary. The third view is that since in Jewish law the man must divorce the woman, this alone is not possible for the non-Jews, and therefore only the woman can divorce the man. The second view has somewhat greater standing because it is subscribed to by Maimonides, the author of the most complete legal code of the Torah.

Without any clear preference between opinions on this subject, a community obedient to the Seven Laws may choose for itself the path by which it wishes to abide, and this will then constitute the obligatory law for that community.

A woman observer of the Seven Laws who marries should wear a covering on her hair as Jewish women do, according to the words of Proverbs 2:5, “The glory of God is to conceal a thing.” However, if she becomes widowed or divorced, then unlike Jewish women she removes the covering and once more shows her hair, and this showing of the hair in public is one of the signs by which non-Jewish women effect the divorce itself.

According to the letter of the law, every man, whether Jew or Gentile, may have as many wives as he wishes. This is because a man is diversified by his nature, and a woman is integral; he may gather wives to his diversity, but she must have only one husband for her integrity.

Many societies have been based on polygamy, but there is not a single example in all the world of a society where women regularly have several husbands except in grossly distorted situations resulting from poverty or war. Thus the relationship of a married man with an unmarried woman is not adulterous but only extra-marital, though it is still a breach of personal trust. The harm to the individuals can also be very great because of the social ban preventing them from forming a marriage afterward without dissolving the existing family structure.

As generations go by, the human constitution becomes progressively weakened, so a thousand years ago it became “officially” impossible for a man to attend to the needs of more than one woman at the same time. It was decreed that Jews in western countries were forbidden to take more than one wife, while those of Oriental origin may still do so. Even Oriental life has declined in quality, and wives in polygamous families are much less well-situated than they were in earlier times. Western society has structured its life along the lines of monogamy so firmly that the prevailing custom has a strength close to law, something not to be treated lightly.

If a man undertakes the support of an extra wife, he must do so exactly as he supports the previous ones, and he must never force different women to share the same household and thus oppress each other or compete bitterly for his attention. He must give each one a household of her own, in a separate building, to be an undisturbed home for her and her children, and he must live with all in strict time rotation, so that no clash of interest ever occurs. Obviously, he can only attempt this if he has the money, but the preferred custom is for each wife to have a business or other earning activity of her own so that all are fully occupied with their maintenance and do not just wait idly for the husband, either personally or in money terms. It is also obligatory for all the wives to know of each other, without any deception or secrecy. The law as now given in Moslem countries is very similar to these principles.

Nevertheless, the basic law is that a man may take further wives without seeking the permission of those he already has. If he marries another woman supposing that his own wife is dead and she then reappears, he is in fact married to both of them. If a wife is insane or in a coma, she still has need of her husband's protection, and he need not divorce her in order to marry another. He may keep both of them at the same time. This is the normal Jewish practice today in such cases.

These laws often have to be applied in society, and they teach us much about the true nature of human love, providing solutions to many difficulties that come about through lack of reliable guidelines.

They provide one of the most important keys to understanding the real differences between men and women, which have become deeply obscured in today's world. An improvement in that understanding can only lead both men and women to greater happiness in each other's company.

Kings and other talented individuals throughout history, who have succeeded in living on a polygamous level, have been men whose capacities were great enough for them to match different wives to various aspects of their personalities. In former times it was thought necessary for a ruler to have many such relationships in order that his thoughts and ideas should increase in scope to cover the affairs of the nation.

However, it is certainly not required of anyone to strive for this level, and in general a man who multiplies his relations with the opposite sex is dissipating himself and wasting his capabilities. The conditions that must be fulfilled to maintain many wives in a happy and secure relationship are so stringent that only a tiny number of men can hope to meet them, however instructive the basic law may be.

The restriction against forbidden loves is an aspect of human life that has caused much resentment and confusion. People have always misunderstood the true intention of the restriction, but in recent times this misunderstanding has been encouraged. People need more than a vague advisory to make them ready to leave off a certain sexual relationship that they might otherwise enjoy. Modern secular life has made it an article of faith that love of all kinds is supreme, that nothing can be allowed to stand in the way of love, and that its result must always be good no matter what other people may say. Restraints on love relationships are considered old-fashioned forms of social repression that get in the way of personal fulfillment and that, because they cannot logically be proven beneficial, must be discarded altogether.

Yet it is this very same transcendent and heavenly nature of true interpersonal love that brings us back to the opposite conclusion. If people who love experience a union between themselves, which is also a union with God, then it follows that having physical love with those individuals whom God forbids to them will produce a relationship that is not as “heavenly” as they expect it to be.

A man who has relations with another's wife because her husband mistreats her is therefore not serving her interests as he should. A man who has become possessed of the desire for another man is not using his capacity for love on someone who should be receiving it. Love would hardly ever lead a person to desire intercourse with a horse or a dog, but whatever the motivation, acting out such a desire could only make a person less human, further out of touch with his or her own true nature.

When individuals begin to realize their personal need for an understanding of divine purposes, they will at that same time experience a development in their personal capacity for love. The realization that God is loving and not cruel, the gratitude for having been born and maintained alive and for the beauty of both the natural world and the moral law, will lead a person to regard Him in a loving way, to feel a wish to please Him and a reluctance to do anything that might give Him cause for pain.

With this realization comes the knowledge that human love is meant to be a reflection of the divine love, that if human beings relate to each other as God wishes then they also experience His love for them.

Thus they can moderate their desires and meet their human needs within the law: the wish to be known and understood by another person, to find favor even at times when they are at fault, to serve another's happiness with strength and passion, and to see the result in the form of children who will still be alive on the earth when they themselves must pass on.

Those who engage in forbidden relationships have no participation in all of this. Adulterous lovers may be very fond of each other, but their physical connection will not draw down upon them the divine pleasure that goes with true married expression. Homosexuals may experience all kinds of different sensations, but they will never transcend the level of regarding each other as objects, mere bodies which have no higher value.

This is because the law excludes a forbidden relationship from the power to transcend the limitations of the physical body, leaving the relationship flat and purposeless, unspiritual and “on the ground.”

The rules of forbidden partnerships create boundaries for our lives, limits within which we can live happily but beyond which we run into trouble. Sometimes people cannot reconcile themselves to living within boundaries; they feel constricted, denied self-realization, and they treat the boundary rule as something invented to cramp their style.

In fact, it is only the soul of a person that is without limitations. The body is small and finite, with very little strength of its own, almost incapable of influencing the course of events without help from providential occurrences. If a person tries to transcend bodily limitations simply by using the body, he or she will surely feel the boundaries before much time goes by.

People may encounter limitations without knowing what they really mean. They can be convinced that the life of the body should not be limited, and they can set out to break the boundary rules that are there to help the expansion of the soul. In a society where the soul has been forgotten to the extent that it has in our own, the breaking of boundaries can reach the level where a new disease comes to the world. When a body becomes afflicted with AIDS, its own immune system breaks down, showing that the body's own boundaries can be vulnerable to the disregard of moral limitations. The AIDS epidemic, which has arrived in several forms out of the unknown, has for several years resisted all the efforts of science to find a purely medical cure. All the venereal diseases are similar warnings against careless sexual contacts, and their seriousness is evidence of how important it is to keep away from such things, modern drugs and prophylactics notwithstanding.

This is not to say that every relationship that is not forbidden by divine law will automatically be loving and kind. The sexual drive is strongly linked to harsh attributes such as egotism and jealousy, whose strength has to be diverted into loving ways before the relationship can be made to stand. It is only that the avoidance of forbidden relationships and practices is the key to realizing the link between our human love and the divine love; after that the relationship is ours to do with as we wish. If we put our heads and hearts into the relationship, then we will see a good result; if we neglect it for other reasons, then it will inevitably suffer.

A man's nature is to give and a woman's to receive. A man's nature is kindness and a woman's is strict judgment, the opposite of what many people are led to believe. It is because of the innate drive of strict judgment to link itself to kindness and thus restructure itself as kindness that a woman has such a strong desire to marry and have children. Her body is made to give milk, the epitome of kindness, but it cannot do so without the male contact.

Everything in the spiritual constitution of the world thus says that men and women must live together for this purpose, and that anything stemming from the forbidden loves is at cross-purposes with the basic intention.

And so the world is constructed in such a way that all the many forms of kindness and love, from giving donations to help refugees and famine victims or orphans to saying “bless you” when someone sneezes, have their root origin in obeying the rules that govern sexual love. We are born into the world through sexual relations, and they represent the most personal and intense form of love, the one which is our very “constitution,” expressing our true individual outlook on life and on what we want to accomplish in it.

When we obey God's wishes regarding this essential basic love, we go to the source of ourselves and thereby realize our capacity to do truly loving things in every relationship, in everything we do. More than just by resisting the impulse to commit adultery when the temptation occurs, the gain comes through knowing that these laws exist, that they come from God and express His intentions for us, and that they are true and loving in and of themselves.

 From Seven Colors of the Rainbow: Torah Ethics for Non-Jews by Yirmeyahu Bindman © 1995 Resource Publications, Inc. Published on this website by special arrangement with Resource Publications, Inc. Material may be downloaded for individual use but not otherwise published or distributed without the written permission of Resource Publications, Inc., 160 E. Virginia St. #290, San Jose, CA 95112.

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